How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize