Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
