Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
