Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can I color on your dick again?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
