I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
