i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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