She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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