I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
