All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
