worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
