turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
