I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
