next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
