This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
