I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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