I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
