Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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