Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
