Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I smell like Dick and happiness
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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