I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
