Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
