my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
