Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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