i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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