I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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