Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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