My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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