Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Bring me that man meat
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
