it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
