Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
