I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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