I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
