I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
