If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
