Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
