My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
