nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
