This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
