Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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