Im at strip club and am horny
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
