I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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