Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
