I want to make a zoo with you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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