I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
