420 ftw
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
