I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
