Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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