I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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