Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I need moral support for this bender
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
