great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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