My sheets look like a crime scene.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
