It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This is the high leading the old right now
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
